I like animals. I think they’re pretty cool. They’re like little monsters who live all around us. They’re so interesting. No matter how mundane life gets, feeding llamas at a petting zoo will always lift the spirit. Anyone who doesn’t feel empowered looking at a picture of a boa constrictor eating a capybara is just a lame idiot.
Maybe that’s just me. I totally love seeing animals fucking each other up. Like just throwing down like, what’s up, and then they’re just going at it and maybe there’s lightning in the background because they’re on a mountain. I think that’s cool, but hey, who knows. Maybe I’m a lame idiot. Anyway, here are the animals I want to fight for my entertainment:
1. Great White Shark Vs. Saltwater Crocodile
This is the ultimate battle. Some people will try and tell you it’s a bear fighting a shark, or some other equally stupid pairing of a land-animal and a shark. They think they’re funny because the idea of sharks fighting stuff is so goddamn hilarious. These are the people who make Facebook statuses about Shark Week. Assholes. The shark has the edge, in or out of water, so putting it in water with a fucking bear is just cruel. You don’t do that. Maybe you want to make up some bogus leveled-playing field. Zero gravity? Yeah, shut up. We’re being serious here. At least, I am. I wanna see this fight.
Have you ever seen a saltwater crocodile? They’re huge. They’re like the one in Lake Placid (the movie, not the actual lake). I saw this video on YouTube where they had this pig on a chain hanging maybe ten feet out of the water, and they were dangling it over a crocodile like, “Yeah, you want this. You gotta do a trick for it. Do the trick! Do the trick!” and then the crocodile’s like “FUUUUUUCK YOU!” and goddamn rockets out of the water to the point where you can see its hind legs, and it’s just like… Yeah, that’s right, you’re not gonna sleep tonight. You probably thought you were safe from crocodiles because you live in a two story house. Think again. These motherbastard can jump ten feet, and that’s what they’re doing out of water, and for a dead pig. Imagine what kind of air they get off the trampoline in your back yard when they’re trying to get into your bedroom to eat your sweet neckmeats.
So basically, I want one of these salwater fuckers matched up with a great white shark. And I mean a GREAT WHITE shark, not some mediocre beige shark. A big fat one with big teeth. You get these bastards together and pump ‘em full of PCP or something and get ‘em all riled up. That’s good TV right there. Then have the shark or the gator, whoever wins, go after the Kardashians or that Gosselin bitch with all the shitty kids. Give me my Emmy right now.
2. Grizzly Bear Vs. Mountain Lion
This one is a classic. This is the equivalent of the last one, but on land. I guess you could make it more multi-cultural if you wanted, and have it just be a regular lion fighting maybe a polar bear. That’d be cool. Like the Olympics, except cruel. That would take more planning, because it’s international.
Grizzly bears and pumas go together just fine. You airbrush them on a shirt or a Chevy Astrovan and you’re going to that Rush concert, and you’re picking up sexy hitchhikers on the way there. You know it. There’s just something about that pair, like, when I said the thing about animals fighting on a mountain and there’s lightning striking too? Yeah, picture that, and there’s also aurora borealis and this giant glowing Indian in the sky. If that was the state flag for Montana, more than twelve people would live there.
Bears and mountain lions are scary shit, and they’ll kill you in the blink of an eye, but somehow you’re not scared of them so much if they’re fighting each other. It’s like at the end of Jurassic Park when the T-Rex starts fighting the raptors. Yeah, you should probably be running for your life, because the animals might eat you, but what’s the point of living if you didn’t stick around to watch the greatest battle on earth? It’s a catch twenty-two, really.
3. Tiger Vs. Rhino
Alright, this one I know you’re gonna be like “What the hell are you talking about?” but you should’ve been saying that for a while now. But no, listen — This is hard for me to say, but I have to say it: tigers and rhinos have awesome dicks. Rhino wieners are shaped like lightning bolts, and they’re two feet long, and they’re attached to an animal that can probably flip your car.
Tigers… Well, their junk is covered in friggin’ spines that face… The opposite direction from… how the… um. Thing is pointing. Like a grappling hook, kind of. Do you get it? I should’ve drawn a diagram, but just… you know at Christmas when you’re bringing the tree in, and you’re squeezing it through the door, trunk first? I think it’s like that. And I’m sorry you just read what I wrote. All I’m saying is both of these animals have really terrifying genitals, and I think they should fight to see which is more ultimate.
Hey, I think it’s a good idea, alright? Anyway, they’re evenly matched otherwise. Tigers are agile and fast and rhinos are super-strong and real big. It’s basically like Wolverine against The Incredible Hulk except it’s wild animal penises.