Sucks it got delayed till 2016, though.
Raising one hand and opening my mouth like I’m about to say something but then just looking at the floor all sad instead.
Self-harm doesn’t do anybody any good, and you’ll just feel stupid about it in a decade. Trust me. If you wanna put yourself through some agony, start doing squats and running on a regular basis. It’s basically masochism with really positive side-effects. Theoretically, it’s good for you, but you will literally feel like you got your ass kicked. You will feel like you want to puke the first few times you do it, but keep at it.
I’m straight, and always have been, and I think on some level my progressive-ass Buddhist mother wishes I wasn’t, so I’m not quite sure what it’s like for you, but I can’t imagine it’s much fun. I don’t know you, or your mom, but I think a lot of people see teenage/college-aged bisexuality as a phase, or some form of rebellion from “the norm.” That doesn’t mean you’re not actually bi, but what you are when you’re sixteen isn’t necessarily what you are for the rest of your life.
If you don’t see the future getting any better, it won’t. For most people, being sixteen fucking SUCKS. But you’ve gotta keep going. Figure out what makes you happy, and go with it. You might not find something that drives you right away, but in the meantime, go through the motions. Do your homework, eat your vegetables, celebrate the good stuff, and try not to let the bad stuff get to you.
Find your light at the end of the tunnel, or the carrot you can put in front of your horse. Follow the bouncing ball to the pot of gold at and end of the rainbow. Following your dreams can come later, in the meantime, just follow the shit that makes you happy. If you can’t swing “happy,” aim for “less unhappy.”
Go try and kiss somebody. I don’t even know whether you’re male or female, but everybody should go kiss each other. Kissing rules. Especially when you’re sixteen, because your body is a claymore mine of hormones and the slightest physical contact with a member of the particular-sex-you’re-attracted-to will make you want to rush home to a safe place where your genitals can explode without injuring any bystanders.
There. You got personalized guidance counseling from a bona-fide F-list internet celebrity AND a Batman gif.
Yeah, absolutely. We usually do those around the holidays so we don’t have to record a new episode. In the meantime…
*nervously slicks back hair, clears throat, loosens collar*
Have ya checked out our four bonus content packs? They’re only $1.99 a piece, and they each contain about two hours of deleted bits and weird shit that didn’t make the final episodes. It’s the same bonus content that was (is?) available through our paid app, but if you never did that, it’s like a big ol’ time capsule of shit you’ve never heard before.
Give me like another year drinking smoothies and getting regular exercise and maybe. Beneath this handsome veneer is that same fat kid who wore a shirt in the pool, so I’m hella self-conscious about that kinda thing.
…But officially, the reason I don’t take my shirt off is that I’m covered in burn scars and badass prison tattoos, from when I was doing time. IN THE JOINT. AKA JAIL.
Not rude at all! Most of my weight loss was unintentional; I got off a bunch of gross medication that made me super lethargic and grew almost a foot taller. At the same time, I started walking home from school every day, and having some semblance of a social life, instead of just sitting in my room.
In the last year, I’ve probably lost fifteen to twenty pounds by going running on a semi-regular basis, which fucking sucks but if you do it enough, that barfy feeling becomes more of an enjoyable dizziness. I also do a completely lax, irregular regimen of push-ups, crunches, squats, and various dumbell exercises that I learned about in various magazines and Rocky training montages.
I also try to cut carbs and empty calories, or at least pick my battles with them. Like, which is more fun: a piece of bread, or a shot of vodka?
Speaking of vodka, if you’re trying to watch your figure but you still wanna party, vodka is about 100 calories a shot, but other than that, it’s zeroes all the way down the nutrition facts label. So, still empty calories, but no carbs or fats or whatever, and it’s a lot less likely to give you a hangover.